Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I CAN MOONWALK!
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
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Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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