The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
