It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed