apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize