Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
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He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
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You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night