I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink