yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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