Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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