Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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