Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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