i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
