They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
