the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
