The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
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I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
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We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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