there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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