I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
