Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You need Xanax blowdarts
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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