dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
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You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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