can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
