you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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