Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
