Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
