You can't special order awesome
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
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