I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
