Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
