don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
