Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
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The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
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Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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