Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize