I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
