woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
