im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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