Screwed.edu
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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