Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
