Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
