I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
