just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
