seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
