Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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