Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
