Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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