can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
