He uses pillows to masturbate.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
