quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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