She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
