does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I've blown a few things in my day
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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