im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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