Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
