The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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