Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
