There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
