dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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