her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
