Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
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That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
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Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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