Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
