Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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