I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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