At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
